21

Comfortable Silence

I went for a run yesterday but noticed I didn’t have my armband. I must have left it in my brother’s car on the way home from Sunday’s race. So I carried my phone and my keys while I was running. I might order a new one on Amazon and just tell him to keep that one. I tried to run 7 miles but that just wasn’t in the cards.

The route I run around my apartment is a 3.5 mile loop so my typical run is two laps around the loop. After my first lap I was pretty gassed so I just walked for my second lap. It was nice. The weather was perfect and I listened to music so it was very relaxing.

I found out that the girl from my office was definitely let go. I have mixed feelings about it. She was definitely smart and good at her job but she was also entitled and a headache for management. Some of the salespeople aren’t happy she’s not here anymore because there is a lot of work for the front office to do. Attitude is just as important as aptitude, remember that.

I was listening to Theo Von’s podcast yesterday and he was talking about his emotions and anxiety. He got sober a little while ago and has been dealing with demons for some time. Still he’s a funny ass dude. He talked about how he was on the phone with his brother and really opening up to him. His brother asked him on the phone if he was alright and he said he was. His brother asked him if he was sure and then said he would just sit there on the phone with him if that would help. Neither of them had to talk, they could just be there. This reminded me of something.

My ex girlfriend was on vacation at one point (when we were still going out). We were texting the whole time and then she called me. I’m an awkward dude who’s used to texting so I’m not great at phone calls. I was sitting next to my older brother watching TV and answered the phone. This was my first mistake, I should have gotten up and walked outside or something. She wanted to talk for a little while and I was being awkward and cut the conversation short. I could tell this annoyed her.

She got back into town and we went out to dinner and she brought it up. I told her that I was sitting next to my brother so I felt kind of awkward. She thought I cut it short because there was dead air and didn’t know what to do. Comfortable silence is essential in life. The people who you have the best relationships will just be able to sit there with you and not talk. It’s a beautiful thing.

The first day she got to her new place she wanted me to give her a call. I was playing basketball but saw the text and immediately called her when I got back to my apartment. We had a great conversation and we said we loved each other a bunch of times. The first week she was there we talked on the phone probably 3 or 4 times. Not everyday but almost everyday. The second week we talked a little less and the third week we only talked one time I think. It wasn’t my fault, we were both busy with work and were on a time difference, but every time we’d talk on the phone we’d feel a little closer and then she’d grow apart when we weren’t.

Some people just need someone to talk to. That’s understandable. I think it just shows that a long distance relationship wasn’t going to work with her. I unfollowed her on Instagram a couple months ago also (I’m such a fucking millenial). She posted a picture of her doing an outdoor activity and having a great time. I started reading the comments and seeing if there was a new guy following her or whatever. I knew this wasn’t healthy for either of us so I unfollowed her.

Most of the time I’m not angry at her but every once in a while my caveman instincts kick in and I get a little angry. This passes and I know this is the wrong way to feel about the situation. I say I want her to be happy and I hope she’s doing well but I definitely don’t always feel that way. I feel like that sometimes but not always.

I know these are my insecurities keeping myself from really feeling that way. If I were happier and found someone else I was really interested in I think it’d be much easier to feel that way. Fuck even writing it down right now is helping. But I know that eventually I’ll get a little pissed and those bad feelings will come back. That’s perfectly fine and I understand why that is. At the end of the day my emotions don’t control my actions or who I am but they do teach me a lot about myself.